Oh, I’m in great sorrow that my wife, Portia, has committed suicide. It’s my entire fault. If I had told her what I was planning to do with Caesar there would have been a lower possibility that she would have killed herself. I showed her no trust and she had all rights to do so to herself; who would want a husband like me? A betrayer, a villain, a person who listened to a man who was only hungry for power. If I don’t reach to a conclusion with Cassius, our fights could go on forever. Cassius has such a huge ego that he would always deny the fact that he is wrong.
However, I would always continue responding back since I know for a fact that what I say is mostly correct as I have had more experience being in a higher position than Cassius. On the other hand, I had to end the fight somewhere as Cassius wanted me to kill him, and I cannot do this to another brother without a solid reason, but also since I was furious at myself for allowing the death of Portia. Meanwhile, I consider Cassius ideas wrong once more involving the case of marching into Philippi.
The best thing to do is to march immediately into Philippi to confront the enemies. If we wait, like Cassius suggested, of course we would be less tired but we would look and be hopeless since we wouldn’t have tried at all and Octavius with Antony will have gained more supporters, making them stronger. After all, Antony does have mind taking persuasive skills. Although, on the outer surface I believe we killed Caesar for the sake of justice, deep inside I know that I shouldn’t have done it.
I regret it every moment that passes by; how could I have been such a horrific friend? Sometimes I truly wonder… I’m positive my actions will come back one day to haunt me. They have begun already: my wife died, and what about the ghost entering my tent last night? My heart skipped a beat and I had to wake up my poor Lucius, Varro and Claudius to make sure they had seen or heard nothing! I know I stress my boy Lucius more than any other, but it is because I love him the most; he is like family to me and has been there every moment for me when I needed him.
But I would never want to put his strength over his working abilities. If I live, which I am terrified will not be for long, I will reward my boy Lucius more than anybody else. I feel I have no one else in this world, I have disappointed the people I loved the most, most of all. How I felt sorry for Lucius when he fell asleep on his instrument cannot be explained with words; my boy tries his best to keep me satisfied and I am absolutely grateful for that!
My guilt no longer allows me to sleep. I don’t want to admit it to anyone but I know it for a fact by myself. My heart stopped when the ghost visited my tent, it was something I didn’t expect! My confusion that moment, made me understand that what was going around was coming right back at me which made my hair stand on end. I have so much to say to that ghost if it comes again, I must admit to it my guilt for killing Caesar, as I am sure it is just he visiting me.